soliloquy

is it over?

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 01:20:34 GMT

Is it over, are you really over him
Is it over, or will you take him back again
If it%u2019s over you can let his memory in
Come on over, we%u2019ll let our love begin.

You say you can%u2019t count the times that he%u2019s hurt you
And he%u2019s hurt you for the last time
Now you say I%u2019m the one that you%u2019re needing
But is the need in your heart or just in your mind.

Is it over, are you really over him
Is it over, or will you take him back again
If it%u2019s over you can let his memory in
Come on over, we%u2019ll let our love begin.

You know that I%u2019m yours for the asking
If you%u2019re really asking, for true love
Words can%u2019t express how I want you
Oh, how I want to believe you%u2019re giving him up.

But is it over are you really over him
Is it over or will you take him back again
If it%u2019s over you can let his memory in
Come on over we%u2019ll let our love begin.

Is it over, come on over let our love begin.
Is it over%u2026

(yes, is it over?)

Happiness, Hypocrisy and Heartache

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 09:35:45 GMT

for the benefit of joan. haha

Happiness. I've been thinking about it quite a lot lately. I even remember telling a friend about how to be truly happy. The nerve! Giving out advices about being happy when I myself can't do that. haha

I remember saying something like, "For the most part of my life I have managed to be happy even without getting the things that I wanted. But with this 'love bug thing' something went wrong along the way. It's not once that I was reminded that no matter how much I wanted something, sometimes it's just not meant for you. And you can't do anything about it. And I knew right then that the kind of happiness I need is one that's not based on something or somebody. A kind of happiness that I can call my own; one that cannot be lost or stolen by anyone, a kind of happiness that comes from the inside. And I can also obtain happiness from seeing other people happy (like seeing you happy with this guy). Yeah, i said that except for the ones in parentheses. talk about being a Hypocrite. haha

Yes, hypocrisy. Lately I've been acting like a big hypocrite.I've been telling this friend of mine how I would really like to see her happy with this guy I don't know. I was telling her that she deserves to be happy and I wish her luck with this guy. Am I the biggest hypocrite there is? haha

Well, I guess it's another heartache for me. It's not a 'grand' heartache though. More like petty. haha. Yes, I know it's not right for me to get hurt because I knew from the start that we're just friends. Period. But as usual, I'm being a bit dim. Haha. She's spending 5 days with this guy and I can't really help but feel sad whenever I imagine them together, probably getting to know each other better. It's not that I'm really in love or something, but it hurts nevertheless. I'm getting stupider by the minute. Haha. And she would even text me (or vice versa) and tell me what they were doing there. And I could only say, "I'm happy for you!" Pathetic. haha. quoting from Joan, "Kamon!"

I'm getting tired. I told myself not to be emo anymore. But here I go again. haha. Si karla kasi eh, bakit di na daw ako nagbblog? wla na daw mae-emo? yan tuloy. haha nanisi pa. peace karla. ;p

anyway, malay ko naman kung hindi sila magclick together and ako pala talaga ung gusto niya? hahaha. wishful thinking! ;p cge na nga, tschus tschus! (cute no? german un for babay!) ;p

Of Lies and Betrayals

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 04:32:09 GMT

it's weird to meet someone you never thought you'd even have the chance to speak with. But last night, I met somebody who has made me realize a lot of things... things I never would have known.

It's one thing to weep for a reason you believed was true. Especially when that 'truth' came as any other truths would have come: harsh, bitter, whatever. But it's a totally different thing to know that that 'truth' you held on to for so long was nothing but a cold, heartless and well-executed lie. One thing that kept me going despite my heartaches this past few months was the thought that I have been loved. Period. I have been loved and that should be enough for me to forget everything else. That love should be enough to overcome every pain, every bitterness, every despair and every single tear. But last night, I found out that what has kept me sane was indeed a lie. It was like looking for a movie under one title, buying it, watching it at home and finding out that it's a totally different movie. And I can't explain how I was feeling while I listen to every revelation that came as a shock to me. It's like laughing at the thought and at the same time wanting to hide and cry. I would have been devastated if I had known this during the time I've been trying to work things out. Luckily, it came when everything else was back to normal. I've been toughened by the things that have happened to me.

It's just sad, of course, to know that I've really been nothing to that person I have given much importance to. And its sadder to know that I was not the only one who has gone and is going through the same situation. I can't imagine what kind of person can do those things to a lot of people and still sleep peacefully at night. Conscience, one thing that person lacks. There are a lot of people who longs to be loved and yet still some people who take advantage of them. One thing these players fail to see is that they are losing more than they think they are winning. And I couldn't help but feel sorry for them.

Well, I think I've said enough. And to you, may you be happy with what you have done to me and to a lot people. I hope someday you'll have even just a lil conscience. ;)

acceptance. that's what i needed. ^^

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 09:12:16 GMT

yup, that's right. ACCEPTANCE. that's what i needed. the only thing i need right now to do what i should have done before. and yeah, i've learned to accept the things that have happened to me. and it's a great feeling being able to think more clearly now. i know this is the start. happiness here i come! hahaha. labo! ^^

question mark

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 10:33:40 GMT

it's difficult to make a choice when the choices you have leave you with nothing but pain. but still, we need to make a choice... and stand up to it.

i've made a choice before and i thought i could stand up to it till the end. but i was wrong. and now i'm left confused if i have made the right decision at all. now i'm prompted to make another decision and this time, i know i should really mean it.

i've talked to a dear friend about it and i know that she is right. she's been through the same situation as mine and i know that what she's saying makes perfect sense. and i have been thinking about what to do next.

Comme je l'ai dit, je voudrais etre comme avant, le Neil qui est tres heureux, qui aime rire, blaguer et qui est tres content avec les chose il possede. Je voudrais etre heureux meme si je n'ai personne que je peux dire comme la mienne. c'est pas facile car je ne peux pas oublier facilement. je me rappelle toujours des jours quand j'etais avec elle. je ne sais pas.

i wish making a choice is always as easy as thinking of the options. i dunno.

"mon coeur est mort." -louis, francais 30-31

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 09:10:05 GMT

"Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together...

...And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it..."

happy in love. ^^

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 06:13:20 GMT

sometimes, it really pays to wait.

i never stopped loving my baby. i kept waiting. i trusted that she will hold true to her words that she will contact me. and she did. and i was more than happy. i couldn't explain in words how i felt yesterday when i received a text message from my baby. i was flying! hahaha. i was so happy. i got to spend another day with my baby. and it's more than i can expect right now. it's a good thing i never gave up on my baby. maybe it's a reward for loving truly. i can never thank God enough. ^^

i know it may be temporary. there's so much uncertainty. but i have learned to enjoy each moment while it lasts. if i'm going to focus so much on what's gonna happen, i will not be able to appreciate the present. and it will lead to more regrets. so right now i am very thankful for the times i get to spend with my baby once more, for our conversations, for everything. i'll deal with the future when i get there. ^^

to my baby, i love you very much... ;)

Confessions and Realizations

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 04:33:25 GMT

I’ve always been in love with the idea of falling in love. For most of my life, I have dreamed about experiencing love, have written a lot about love, have gone searching for love. I fell in love once before and it didn’t end well. I was young then and perhaps a little too young to actually understand love. But a few months ago, after years of searching, I came across love once more. This time I knew I am ready for it. I knew I can handle it. This time I knew that this would be one great love. And I guess I was right.

We met in an unconventional way. We met through a chat service. There have been stories feature on TV shows about happy couples meeting each other through the net and I never though that day would come when I would be one of those people sharing stories about having met somebody over the net. It may be weird or absurd for some but it really is possible.

Yes, I’ve met this person over the net. I’ve met this person who made me feel more special than I really am. I felt my importance. I felt wanted. I felt loved. And I felt happy in more ways than one. There were no days when I will not be smiling before I sleep. Or after I woke up. I remember when I would wish I could make the clock tick fasters so my classes would end. And I would be rushing to a nearby phone booth to call my baby. I would be loading my phone up every now and then for unlimited texting. I remember taking exams with nothing on my head but my baby, our conversations, our laughter, our stolen moments. We would spend hours talking on the phone. Most of the time, only an hour’s left before the sun rises when we would hung up. It sounds perfect. But of course we argue. We argued about late replies, we argued about jealousy issues, over a lot of things. And we would always work it out. I remember this one big fight we had when we did not communicate for one day. I purposefully did not so that I could surprise her. By that time, we haven’t really seen each other in person; through the web cam, yes, almost everyday. Anyway, I knew where my baby lives and so the day after our fight, I went there to bring chocolates and to say sorry. But I’ve been a coward so I didn’t show myself. I returned the next day. And for the first time, we laid eyes on each other. This time, it’s for real, not technologically-aided. I can remember perfectly how my baby looked at me. And I don’t think anybody has ever looked at me that way. Nobody else has smiled at me that way. And, nobody else has made me feel that way. I was on seventh heaven. I remember how we were shy to talk to each other at first and I remember our “kulitan” afterwards. Damn, was I ever so happy! And I spent the night there. One night I’ll never forget. The sweetest night of my life. The night when the sweetest words have whispered to my ears. The night when I’ve spoken those words with everything I have. The night I got the answer to why I am so in love with the idea of falling in love. The night when we have said a thousand words without saying anything at all. The night we saw forever. The night when I came across love’s many mysteries.

And a mystery, love is. Until now I haven’t figured out how forever can end in an instant. I’ve been soaring so high until I lost my wings. I looked down and saw nothing but treetops. I never got to see where I would fall because even before I reach the ground, I was already broken.

I’ve tried so hard to recover from the fall but I guess I’ll never get completely healed. I’ve done a lot of things. I’ve waited. I’ve looked for explanations. I’ve waited even more. I’ve done a lot of crazy things, stupid things to divert my attention but it was just so damn hard. I’ve asked God a million times why. I’ve tried so hard to get angry so that it would be easier for me. But I just couldn’t. I just kept on loving and hoping my baby would come back to me. I’ve tried so hard to understand and I think after almost two months, I did understand. After almost two months, I did understand why love worked out for me this way. After almost two moths, I’ve managed to let all the feelings out. After almost two moths, I’ve managed to cry. And it felt good. It felt really good to let it all out—all the frustrations, the confusions, the hurt. I felt much, much better.

Of course every now and then I would remember yesterday when I see something that would remind me of it. Every time I see a phone booth or a gesture, when I hear a song or a voice or familiar words and expressions, when I eat or buy a chocolate, when I go to places, I always go back to those times when we were together. And I know I will never learn to forget.

But I realized I should move on. I realized I should let go. Through all these ordeals I managed to learn a lot of things. I learned that when you let go, you don’t necessarily have to stop loving the person. I just understand now that I can’t be inside my baby’s life but that doesn’t stop me from hoping and from loving my baby. Right now, I just pray for my baby’s safety and happiness. I know love can fade or be replaced by another love, but for now, I am contented with loving my baby from where I am. Right now, I understand that I shouldn’t go looking for love anymore. If love comes, then surely love comes. Right now, I’m reliving our days together and I can’t help but smile.

Right now, I’m starting to live again.